May Cloud of The Month

June 1, 2011 10:47 am Published by 3 Comments

I’m not usually one to submit for contests, or even share my stories publicly. However when I saw this on Facebook, I knew I had to at least submit something.

Mark Schultz’s song, “He Will Carry Me,” has literally been a song that carries me. Of course it points me towards God who is the one actually carrying me… with what is going on in my life, I joke with my friends and prayer partners that I stopped holding onto God a while ago, and now he is solely carrying me.

My husband has been my best friend for almost 11 years now. We’ve been married for almost 8 years. We’ve known each other since Kindergarten, but only became good friends, then started dating at the end of High School. It was then that he gave his life to Christ and lived wholeheartedly for him. We were always truly best friends and partners.

We were married pretty young, but we knew without a doubt that God had brought us together. And we knew that God, as the center of relationship, would keep us bonded for life. We both always felt called into ministry, no matter what that meant. We have worked in ministries over the years, however have never been given the opportunity to do it full-time vocationally.

We followed God’s leading to move our family down to Virginia in Summer 2008. It was just after our 3rd child was born. We had our own plans for moving down there, however we knew deep down, God was the sole reason we had moved. Over the years, our plans faded and fizzled. Nothing would fall into place how we wanted it to. We had one trial after another. One disappointment after another, including a double betrayal by our best friends as well as me contracting Lyme Disease, miscarrying our 4th child because of it, and spending 6 months very, very sick.

It was a refining fire though. God truly grew us both immensely through it all. My husband, for the first time ever, 100% felt the calling to be a pastor, not just in any ministry as we had always done. But still nothing worked out for that yet, so we committed to wait and do what God had called us to do RIGHT NOW. God blessed us with a 5th pregnancy, and 4th child for here on earth, last August.

Sometime just after that, the enemy had waged full-out war on  my husband, my marriage, and my family. He had grown immensely through God’s refining fire, but at the flip of a switch, he just changed. He claimed God had lied to him, turned his back on him, and abandoned him. I knew those were all lies, but he wholeheartedly believed them. His heart grew so hard towards God. He changed back into the man he was before he knew Christ. He started rebelling against God, while desperately begging God to speak to him. He claims he is wrestling with God.
I tried to give him time and space, and just show him love. And I bathed him in prayer. I confess at times through it, I should have been praying more, especially as we packed up our home in Virginia to move back to Indiana. We continued to have trials and stresses in our life… he continued to stray farther from God and farther from me. One morning, before any of us woke up, he had just left.

It’s been almost 3 months now since he left me and my 4 young children. He’s barely been in contact since then. He left during the middle of fixing up our (too-small of a) house so that we could move back into it until we got back on our feet financially and could sell the house in this down market. I’ve been blessed with family and friends who helped finish the house and move us into it. I couldn’t have done it on my own.
Anyway… for at least the past 6 months now, the song, “He Will Carry Me” by Mark Schultz has been an amazing encouragement… it brings me to tears every time I hear it, yet  gives me incredibly strength too. I do feel so empty. I feel like I lost it all… my best friend, my partner in life, my future, my family, life as I once knew it, and a hope for a future and family for my children. I have had plenty of times where I felt like giving in. I feel like this is way more than I can bear. But I know I need to hold tight to the one whose love will comfort me. I’ve felt that peace and comfort through this all. This song reminds me of it. HE is truly my strength that I need that gets me through every moment of everyday. I lost my best friend and partner in life. I lost the spiritual leader of my home and my family, my strength and encouragement in my walk with God. I lost my support. I lost my income, and now have to do it all on my own. I lost the father of my children (he was always an AWESOME dad). I know have to be it all for all 4 of them, even as they are hurting so much and in pain as well, missing their Daddy and feeling abandoned. I’m so incredibly broken, yet God can and will mend my broken heart… HE is always with me even though I feel more lonely than I’ve ever felt before. It’s not easy, but I trust he will see me through the storm…

And even though it seems like all hope is gone, I am wholeheartedly committed to praying for my husband. I know without a doubt he is a true follower of Christ, with the Holy Spirit living inside him. I know he is under heavy attack and oppression from the enemy, BUT God is more powerful and will bring my husband back to him… he will bring him to repentance, take away all his pride, and seek his lost sheep until he is found. He will soften his heart, as only God can do. He will remind him of all the truths he once knew, hid in his heart, and even taught on! God will see US through the storm, not just me. He has not abandoned my husband at all… he has not abandoned me or my children. He will heal my husband’s wounds, our marriage, and our family.

Please, please pray for us… James 4:7 especially as I’ve claimed it for my husband for months now, that he may (re)submit to God, resist the Devil, so the Devil will flee from him.

He Will Carry Me

I call, You hear me
I’ve lost it all
And it’s more than I can bear
I feel so empty

You’re strong
I’m weary
I’m holdin’ on
But I feel like givin’ in
But still You’re with me

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

I know I’m broken
But You alone
Can mend this heart of mine
You’re always with me

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

And even though I feel so lonely
Like I’ve never been before
You never said it would be easy
But You said you’d see me through
The storm

And even though I’m walkin’ through
The valley of the shadow
I will hold tight to the hand of Him
Whose love will comfort me
And when all hope is gone
And I’ve been wounded in the battle
He is all the strength that I will
Ever need
And He will carry me

~Kristen~


Categorised in: News

This post was written by Mark

3 Comments


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